Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
