i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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