fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
