I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
