i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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