My sheets look like a crime scene.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
