I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
