I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
