before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
