my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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