Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
