he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
false alarm, still single
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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