I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
