Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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