just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
