Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i think my mom watched the whole time
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
