I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
