I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
