He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
