Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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