drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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