dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize