new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
