I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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