Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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