sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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