she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
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