dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
