thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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