get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
