Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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