On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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