I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
