So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
