Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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