hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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