I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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