She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
