I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
