I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
