Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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