we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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