I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
