Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize