I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
