Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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