I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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