I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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