we have pet lesbian snakes
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
