You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
