So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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