New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
