yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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