Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
