i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
