Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
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