I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
