Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
