I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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