I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
