Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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