i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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