that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
whose parrot is this?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize