just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
