I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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