You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
