i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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