I need to stop coming to work sober
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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